Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A*: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
* **Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
* A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
* **Q: How is dew formed?
* A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
* **Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
* A: Keep it in the cow.
* Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
* A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* Q: What are steroids?
* A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
* Q: What happens to your body as you age?
* A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
* Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
* A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
* Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
* A: Premature death.
* Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
* A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
* Q: What is the fibula?
* A: A small lie.
* Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
* Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
* A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
* Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
* A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Glorious Morning

Full many a glorious morning have I seen
Flatter the mountain-tops with sovereign eye,
Kissing with golden face the meadows green,
Gilding pale streams with heavenly alchemy;
Anon permit the basest clouds to ride
With ugly rack on his celestial face,
And from the forlorn world his visage hide,
Stealing unseen to west with this disgrace.
--Shakespeare

Harold Pinter [The British Dramatist]

Pinter once said of language, "The speech we hear is an indication of that which we don't hear. It is a necessary avoidance, a violent, sly, and anguished or mocking smoke screen which keeps the other in its true place. When true silence falls we are left with echo but are nearer nakedness. One way of looking at speech is to say that it is a constant stratagem to cover nakedness

A personality test

1. This is a personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions: 1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbour's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbour's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or Kmart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth..

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100. 20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

A defination of Truth

The fact is, truth cannot be defined. the definition of definition is to show something to be finite. if nothing is finite, nothing can be defined.
Taking into consideration the fact that everything measurable is continually changing, any idea that there can be a definite truth about anything is false.
Do the cells in your body perform a range of accuracy that models the physics of the real thing called reality? Do the thoughts, to letters, to words, to sentences, to paragraphs, etc., mean anything of truth value to you? Go ahead and nihilistically break down aesthetics to root cause, and do you still have causal truth value in the law of opposites?

A logical fallacy

Suppose that for years on your way to and from work you pass by a house that has a black door. For years you pay it little notice, but one day you stop to look at it. You say to yourself, "Hey, that door is black." You stare at it some more and say aloud, "Hey, that door is black." You continue to stare and repeat "Hey, that door is black! Hey, the door is black!, OHMYGOD THE DOOR IS BLACK!" over and over until you are miserable. Now, is the black door the "cause" of your misery? Or is it rather how you feel about it?

Things to do in Christmas

1. Get out of your apartment.

2. Take a walk.

3. Ride a cab somewhere neat. The drivers aren't happy about working Christmas, so be nice to them and greet them with "Merry Christmas," and thank them for the transfer. Make eye contact with other passengers and smile.

4. Go to different parts of town you've not been to.

5. Round up some of that spare change you have in a jar or such ... carry it around with you and give it to panhandlers and watch their surprize ... sure, let 'em buy a beer or cigs or whatever. It's Christmas for them, too. Who am I to judge?

6. Walk through parks -- those w/city views are great ... there will tourists taking pictures. Since they can't take pictures of everyone themselves, offer to take a picture of their entire family, group, whatever. Tell them welcome to San Francisco.

7. Go to a movie